The Unspoken Words of New Motherhood

Those early weeks of motherhood, where you feel like you’re drowning in a fierce, stormy ocean of doubt, insomnia and anxiety. 

The tight grips of depression constantly pulling you under, deeper, down into the darkness of your own shadows. Your demons waiting for you under the murky surface to lose consciousness. So that you can come face to face with the dark mother within, who has no mercy for your soul. Who’s tendencies are for self destruction, one who thrives on chaos. 

In your birthing process, Pandora’s box was relentlessly unleashed with that final ROAR that forced your vulnerable babe into this earth realm. Now all of your darkness too, slowly seeping out of your portal; over the several weeks that your birth blood continues to shed. 

Oh how now you must face, the new faces of your being that you did not know previously existed. 

The breakdowns, the anger, the frustration, the self-hatred. The spiralling thoughts that almost sent you over the edge. How appealing drowning in those ocean waves now seemed. The self sabotage looming upon your lips, as you try to pull apart the strings of your tightly woven relationship.

Unhealed traumas buried deep down beneath the surface now revealed. Nowhere to hide. Erratic thoughts racing. Nowhere to run from your own menacing mind. A prisoner inside of your own head. 

Loving friends visiting, numerous tears poured out on the phone to your mother. Sobbing into the arms of a grandmother figure. Neighbours around, kids playing in the streets. And yet you have never felt so alone. So isolated. So lost. No one to understand. No one to truly know. What a bad person you are. What a tainted soul you possess. 

Oh how the life you once loved so deeply, the life you grew so comfortable with living has now crumbled Crippled. All hopes, dreams & goals lost in the grave of your Maidens passing. Let go. Detach. Release. Shed. Grieve. 

A vulnerable being now dependant upon your continuous around the clock care, for his own survival. When you can barley even care for yourself. Oh how the irony is tragic. 

Hard days where teeth go unbrushed, hair remains matted, as tangled as the pitiful thoughts in your own mind. Breast ducts clogged. Fever pending. Food allergies and vomiting whilst still having to nurse your babe. You must persevere. Even when you have nothing left to give, other than the milk trickling from your breasts; As if they too, were shedding their own tears. 

Nobody speaks of those dark early weeks of motherhood. Where all hope is lost and your destiny feels doomed. Your previous sense of self chewed up and spat out. Unsure of your capabilities in successfully raising a healthy, happy child. You question whether you’re worthy of such a happy family after all. 

Yet the light at the end of the dark tunnel remains in distant sight. The faint whispers of your higher self assure you “stay here, stay here, stay here”. Stay here in this moment, don’t allow yourself to get whisked away in the turbulent chaos of your own mind. 

The light at the far depths of the tunnel of your life, grows a little brighter each day. Hope slowly creeps in as subtly as the first blossoming flowers of spring. Hidden growth in plain sight. You didn’t notice your own healing unfolding, until you were already blooming. Your petals of soft smiles and innocent giggles surprise you, as you gaze into the loving eyes of your most magnificent creation. A baby boy. Your intuition was right. 

Motherhood. You will pull through, or sometimes you feel like you’re being pulled through, with little choice in the matter. Navigating an underworld maze, vulnerable and naked, with little sense of direction. With little clue of which is the right turn to take. 

You face your demons, whilst simultaneously you are granted your blessings and boons. When this new journey of motherhood is spoken of, you feel that it is your duty to share not only the good; but also the darkness and despair. 

Trusting this sacred right of passage, this thin tight rope you are tip toeing upon. Blind folded. And yet you get there. Across to the other side. You did it. You can do it. Every day is a challenge. And yet you learn to embrace it. You face it. You do your best. And that is good enough. You are good enough. 

You remind yourself that you are worthy. You are strong. You are a Goddess Warrior. You can get through anything. Your battles give you your strength. Your love shines brighter everyday. More smiles. More laughter. More tears. More mistakes. Yet forgiveness always follows. Humble energy beginning to brew in your soul. Even more gratitude for your own mother cultivated. Neither of you were meant to play this role perfectly. Perfectly imperfect is your new state of being. 

You now ride the emotional waves, instead of drowning in them. You now seize the day with hope, instead of dread. You now feel the oxytocin oozing from your beasts as your babe suckles, nourishing his own rapidly growing body. Organisation kicks in. Kind words from friends. Their trust that you can do this. You start to believe that you can too. 

Hard nights persist and easier ones follow. You begin to embrace the never ending roller-coaster ride that you are on. With no intentions of getting off. Highs follow lows, ups follow downs. Tears follow laughter. Anxiety follows excitement. 

Motherhood. Dull days and full days. Moments of bliss, and moments of frustration. Yet neither are now labelled good or bad. Rather, these moments are perceived as a part of your sacred journey, in which your soul willingly signed up for. 

What an honour it is you realise, to be living out your karma. Embracing your new dharma. Of raising your sweet baby boy, the best way you can. With love, with patience. With trust, with surrender. You realise you’ve got this mama. You’ve always got this. God has always your back. Your angels are always at your side. 

-Written by Maddie Lynch (first time mama)